An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in Stretchy Shorts

The challenges with the six-year-old have reached a deafening crescendo.

He won’t sleep much past 4:30 am, and the sleep med prescribed by our psychiatrist made him into a feral thing. Sorry Trazadone. You suck at the one thing you are supposed to do. You had one job.

He likes to sneak outside around 6:00 am and ring the neighbor’s doorbell several dozen times. Us: When you ring the neighbor’s doorbell many times, early in the morning it makes them sad.” Charlie, incredulous: “Why?”

He rolled the watermelon we bought for the 4th of July down the stairs, from the kitchen to the basement. It cracked open a Pac Man-ish wedge, turning one half to mush and dribbling watermelon juice all over the carpet. The other half was salvageable and quite tasty. Murica!

He dons his Captain America Halloween costume with padded muscles and pesters the kids in the cul-de-sac. Sometimes he carries his Civil War-era replica toy musket. I am choosing to see the mixing of historical time periods and superheroes/soldiers as a victory in creativity. Go Charlie…, Captain Americup (his word, not mine).

One evening while playing outside with friends, he told the neighbors to “Go to h*ll, you b*tches.” Wha???

People keep posting links on fb to anti-yelling articles, or maybe just one constantly-circulating article. Who knows. I refuse to read it/them because I am too busy yelling outside for my escaping Houdini-child to come home. And to stop with the salty language already!

I went to church last week and actually slammed the hymnal shut during the singing of “Home Can Be A Heaven on Earth” when it got to the lyrics about home being this paradise where “children listen and obey.” Whoever wrote that drivel either thinks it’s 1932, or clearly hasn’t parented two kids on the spectrum. What is this “listen and obey” you refer to? No comprendo.

In sum, keeping Charlie in one’s sight and out of mischief is possible. But be aware that it is rather like keeping a beach ball submerged under water. It takes all your energy and focus. All of it.

  4 comments for “An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in Stretchy Shorts

  1. Julie
    July 6, 2014 at 10:46 am

    I cried the last time I had to sing “Home Can Be…” Openly. With little sobs that would have been audible had not the rest of the congregation been singing with great gusto about all *their* homes filled with love where children listen and obey.

    My little Houdini-ette child was brought back to our yard by a stranger who refused to leave until she felt I’d been properly educated by her in the art & science of raising children and knowing where they’re at every.single.moment.of.their.lives. As her copious and demeaning advice had no merit in our particular parenting assignment, I asked her to leave. She wouldn’t; I called the cops. She informed me that she was glad the cops would come so they could see what a horrible mom I was. Cops came and as yet CPS has not taken my children. Maybe I’m not so horrible after all.

    Have you tried Clonidine? It was the first med we tried for insomnia, it didn’t work, so we moved on to Trazodone, which does work (well, in conjunction with Melatonin). Maybe the reverse will work for you. Dr. Pfeffer is the awesomest pediatric sleep specialist around–but maybe you already know that?

    We finally installed flip-locks up high (search Amazon for Cardinal Gates Door Guardian) and got a security system installed (Vivint is doing a reduced cost program for spectrum families). It’s helping abate the early morning courtesy wake-up ding-dongs for our neighbors. They’ll probably pitch in to pay the small monthly alarm company fee.

  2. Sarah
    July 6, 2014 at 6:46 pm

    Bless you, bless you, bless you. Much more than 3 times.

  3. Lacey
    July 6, 2014 at 9:47 pm

    Hilarious in a “I can so relate way.” Trazodone was not our friend either. It sucked. I too have noticed the anti yelling articles and I just think to myself “screw you all.” But honestly I can’t say whether they/it are good either because I also refuse/don’t have time to read them. I’m too busy yelling at emme to leave the poor baby alone.

  4. Mary
    July 16, 2014 at 10:44 pm

    I relate to this post, Megan. So much. Especially the “salty language” bit . . . And the last paragraph. Sometimes the only thing that gets us through it is humor, which you do such a great job of conveying.

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