An Enigma Wrapped in a Riddle Wrapped in Stretchy Shorts

The challenges with the six-year-old have reached a deafening crescendo.

He won’t sleep much past 4:30 am, and the sleep med prescribed by our psychiatrist made him into a feral thing. Sorry Trazadone. You suck at the one thing you are supposed to do. You had one job.

He likes to sneak outside around 6:00 am and ring the neighbor’s doorbell several dozen times. Us: When you ring the neighbor’s doorbell many times, early in the morning it makes them sad.” Charlie, incredulous: “Why?”

He rolled the watermelon we bought for the 4th of July down the stairs, from the kitchen to the basement. It cracked open a Pac Man-ish wedge, turning one half to mush and dribbling watermelon juice all over the carpet. The other half was salvageable and quite tasty. Murica!

He dons his Captain America Halloween costume with padded muscles and pesters the kids in the cul-de-sac. Sometimes he carries his Civil War-era replica toy musket. I am choosing to see the mixing of historical time periods and superheroes/soldiers as a victory in creativity. Go Charlie…, Captain Americup (his word, not mine).

One evening while playing outside with friends, he told the neighbors to “Go to h*ll, you b*tches.” Wha???

People keep posting links on fb to anti-yelling articles, or maybe just one constantly-circulating article. Who knows. I refuse to read it/them because I am too busy yelling outside for my escaping Houdini-child to come home. And to stop with the salty language already!

I went to church last week and actually slammed the hymnal shut during the singing of “Home Can Be A Heaven on Earth” when it got to the lyrics about home being this paradise where “children listen and obey.” Whoever wrote that drivel either thinks it’s 1932, or clearly hasn’t parented two kids on the spectrum. What is this “listen and obey” you refer to? No comprendo.

In sum, keeping Charlie in one’s sight and out of mischief is possible. But be aware that it is rather like keeping a beach ball submerged under water. It takes all your energy and focus. All of it.

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