A Green Ribbon

I sort of feel like I am daily spinning a giant emotions wheel not unlike the one with dollar amounts on The Price is Right. A hard pull and I watch it cycle past, waiting to see on which wedge the flapping tab will land.

Optimism. Frustration. Breathless survival. Irritation. Detached calm. Fury. Satisfaction. So many options.

Today it landed on longing.

I examined my mental state and reached the conclusion that an undercurrent of longing pulls at me.

Though I am not even really aware that I am thinking this way, it’s nevertheless there. Today, I named the feeling, and realized that it runs deep.

What do I long for?

I long for my childhood.

For my grandparents.

For camping trips to Leigh Lake and picking huckleberries in Strawberry Canyon.

For Bijou and Theo, Sally and Olive—our departed dogs.

I long to swim in the ocean.

I long for summer.

I long for calm.

For simplicity.

For a taste of normalcy in my complex household.

For fewer Code Browns and virtually no lakes of urine.

I long to help my Jack be less frenetic, more peaceable and content.

I long for change.

At times I catch hold of a sense of pure loveliness in the life I am living. But it slips from my grasp when I grapple, two-handed, with my boys and their needs.

I want to rewrite longing.

Instead of a deep, strong river pulling at me from below, I’ll think of a smooth ribbon, vibrant green, that runs through the places of my childhood, to heaven where people I love are and back down, into the ordered routines of my family’s days, and on to tomorrow.

It’s glossy and constant, my ribbon of longing, tying me to the good things of the past and spooling out into what comes next.


  7 comments for “A Green Ribbon

  1. February 23, 2015 at 11:21 pm

    Oh, Megan, you have me crying over here. You just gave words to what I felt tonight as I lay next to my sleeping daughter in a dark bedroom and let my tears fall all over her pillow. I’m clinging to your last two paragraphs.

  2. February 23, 2015 at 11:56 pm

    That was so beautiful. xx

  3. Sarah
    February 24, 2015 at 9:25 am

    What a perfect image.

  4. Kerri
    February 24, 2015 at 9:40 am

    I love it. So so much. Longing has been an enormous part of my undercurrent, too, lately. Longing for safety, longing for refuge, longing for peace. I guess that will come in the next life, so I uess I’m longing for heaven.

  5. Laurie
    February 24, 2015 at 11:07 am

    I appreciate your blog. There are so many speaking about how much their worlds are perfect and their families are so wonderful. Personally, I’m not resentful much but need more moms who are open about big struggle and trials. I admire you a lot and relate to many of your longings and struggles and questions and sentiments as a fellow LDS mom to three boys with really big emotions and struggles and times that go out of control. Thank you for sharing and for being courageous. Hang in there. I know that you are also valiant just like your son. You are doing so much good in the struggle and the longing and the fatigue.

  6. Louise Plummer
    February 24, 2015 at 9:16 pm

    Longing: it never goes away. Maybe fulfillment isn’t possible in this life.

  7. Lucy Park
    February 24, 2015 at 11:59 pm

    I loved your dogs Theo, Sally and Olive. I have the same sense of longing for simpler times with people who are now gone steering the ship. I miss the insulated feeling that my parents aren’t the OLDEST in the family and that grandma and grandpa are first in line– which is no longer true. I always felt that when I reached mommy-hood I would have it all figured out and feel grown up and capable. Now I realize that we do mature but the change isn’t as drastic as I expected and we are still children at heart. I loved how you put this to words. Love you, cuz. Hope to see you again soon.

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