I’m reading the Old Testament. 

By “reading,” I mean listening to this guy with a deeply dramatic, Shakespearean kind of delivery read it aloud to me every morning as I get dressed and ready for the day.

iPhones and Gospel Library apps and dude with the dulcet tones mean that I really love brushing my teeth these days while I hear about Jehoshaphat, et al. 

You guys, the Old Testment is WILD, which we all know on a very general level. We’ve all absorbed some of the stories because it’s a part of our culture and Andrew Lloyd Weber uses them as the basis of musicals and Charlton Heston was MOSES and Christian Bale was, too. I know

But it is more than Joseph and the Amazing Technicolor Dreamcoat. It is historic and literary and spellbinding and chock full of crazy shiz. I’ve only ever read it before in bits and pieces, never all the way through and never with a narrator who was born to play Richard III. Except when he reads the lines spoken by biblical women. Then he uses a falsetto voice, which is kind of silly and yet quite endearing and I really feel a lot of genuine affection for my theatrical Bible man.

People lose their birthrights. People conspire for power. People manipulate each other, enslave each other, and seduce each other. There is murder. There are kings who rule in righteousness and kings who are straight up wicked. There are chapters outlining genealogy. Everyone has lots of children and women are mostly remembered for having given birth to many sons. I’m a little bit Old Testament that way. Rock on.

But I don’t have to live in a tent, so yay. 

Now I need someone to explain to me why no one has yet made a movie about the Book of Esther. It is intense. The characters are delicious. There is intrigue and plotting and bravery and comeuppance. Is it because the king’s name is Ahasuerus and no one even knows what to do with that?

Is it because the book of scripture is named for a woman? And Esther supposedly can’t headline a movie like Moses can? 

The Book of Esther could be the next Noah, the next Ten Commandments, the next Exodus: Gods and Kings, people. Give it a chance. I’m just saying, I can see the film play out in my head as my melodramatic reader tells the tale of suspense.

It would be a good movie. It’s a good book.

It’s THE good book.

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