Dark & Light

Sometimes God talks to me.

Not in a prophetic sort of way. He just says things that I hear inwardly, things that help me move forward. I know it’s Him because it sure isn’t coming from me.

Usually I am in a quiet place when it happens. I’ve sought it out because there is no inner quiet, only a crashing mental and emotional thunderstorm. So I find a spot like the shower or my bedroom, and I ask for wisdom.

Mostly, though, it happens in the temple.

In the temple, God talks to me even when I’m angry, contrary, belligerent, turbid, and skeptical. His speaks, and I’m finally still.

It happened one hot day in July a few years back when I couldn’t handle the poop anymore. My life had become mostly about coping with Jack’s BM’s. I cleaned up Code Browns on a daily basis, often more than once a day. The house was steeped in poop. My life stunk, literally.

I went to the temple, a clean and quiet place. I sat beneath a mammoth chandelier, tears seeping from the corners of my eyes, and my supplication went like this:

Me: “Heavenly Father, I’m so mad and frustrated and sick of poo.”

Him: “No kidding.”

Me: “Why does it have to go on and on and never end? Have I not learned from these years of caring for Jack? Am I not gentler with people—kinder, softer, more forgiving? Am I not more compassionate and less prone to judge? What haven’t I learned and why can’t the poo storm stop? Must I live with the same awful crises and horrors over and over and over and over?”

I wept, and looked up at the giant chandelier above me, constructed of hundreds of cylindrical fingers of crystal. Bound together in a scalloped pattern, they resembled a massive and intricate flower bloom.

Him: “Each of those fingers of crystal is like the experiences you are having in your life. Ultimately, your experiences will also form a beautiful, vibrant, light-filled thing. But you have to have them first. All of them.”

In a bright room beneath a brilliant chandelier, my sadness receded. It didn’t make sense that I felt better. But I did feel better.

Because God told me that the only way out is straight through.


  8 comments for “Dark & Light

  1. Blue
    August 26, 2015 at 4:23 pm

    I wish I could learn how to hear this way. I’m glad you have that ability. cox

  2. Blue
    August 26, 2015 at 4:24 pm

    Umm, xox, not cox

  3. Stu
    August 26, 2015 at 5:39 pm

    I enjoyed this Megan. I’m currently not cleaning up much poop in my life, but if I was your honesty gave me hope that God would speak.

  4. Kerri
    August 26, 2015 at 5:42 pm

    Seriously. I am in my own poo storm of sorts, although less physically smelly. Thank you thank you thank you. I’m working my way through and your words help. Always.

  5. Jennifer
    August 26, 2015 at 6:23 pm

    Beautiful. A wonderful reminder that each day is just a shard of glass in the big picture. I often forget to step back and remember what it is I’m trying to build. I love this!

  6. Nate
    August 26, 2015 at 7:02 pm

    Megan, every time I take a moment to read what you have written, my own burdens (comparatively small though they may be) feel lighter because your expressions of testimony and faith are so uplifting. Thank you!!

  7. August 27, 2015 at 10:59 am

    I found your blog via Ann Cannon’s. She’s right, your writing is honest and powerful.

  8. Sonia
    September 8, 2015 at 7:29 pm

    Wow. I live in a poo storm also. Your words capture the frustration and devastation of dealing with this every day. But your revelations make me cry and remind me that the divine is always there too. In every brown smeared moment.

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