Lost in Thought

I woke up at 6:00 am this morning—much too early for a Saturday and a non-runner like me. I wanted to write. 

I got up, put on my bathrobe, and sat in front of the computer. 

And there was nothing to say. I couldn’t come up with anything. I made some attempts and they bored me. 

I ate Cocoa Puffs and went back to bed. 

This seems to be a trend, of late (the non-writing and the Cocoa Puffs). I want to write, for the cathartic energy I feel when I’m writing, but I’m stymied. 

I can’t read anymore, either. I simply can’t focus on the stories. My brain goes walkabout and I keep re-reading the same few pages without getting anywhere. This might seem like it should be alarming to me. Yet it has happened in periods of my life before, so I’m viewing it as a phase which will eventually pass. 

This is my current state: I can’t focus on books and I can’t write (much). I am left with eating and sleeping as my modes of escape/restoration (yay for eating and sleeping! Old reliables!) And I listen to the scriptures, which feels very restorative. 

From the outside, I sound rather disheveled. Strangely though, I feel calmer, better than I have in a long time. I feel peaceful, mostly. 

Maybe in my zen state I need less escaping.  

I may need fewer outlets to which my mind can escape because my mind is more still now. I think a lot. That sounds weird. Everyone thinks. But I find myself really pondering my experiences and examining my thought processes. It appears that I’ve replaced reading with metacognition, at least for the moment. 

Thinking is good. 

I think about Jack and his health and the surgeries which loom as real possibilities. I think about Charlie—his gifts and his weaknesses, and how I can work with them both. I think about the fact that Henry may only live in this house for four more years, and how that is crazy and I’m not ready to lose my oldest child/sense of family normalcy. I think about Truman and his feisty willfulness.

I think about how my perspective on abundance and gratitude, ability and purpose have changed. 

I think about my life now. I think less about what might happen. Mindfulness, yo.

Someday, books. I will be back.

For now, thinking. 

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