I wrote that snowy Saturday post that was all hearth fires and loveliness, and I haven’t been able to write a thing since, despite starting several posts.
It’s been hard.
Jack is not sick. He’s healthy and robust. But he’s time consuming and destructive. He sleeps less than ever before, possibly because he’s twelve and a half years old. He is aggressive when he doesn’t instantly get his way.
This is not a phase. It is not an ear infection. It’s the fruition of the crystal clear prompting I had on the day Jack almost killed me and two of his brothers in the car in the middle of that intersection, when the Holy Ghost spoke to my mind and said, “It isn’t going to get easier with Jack.”
It just isn’t. At least we know this. I appreciate the honesty.
I have watched his behaviors escalate. I communicate constantly with his team at school, with his pediatrician, with the psychiatrist, with the behaviorist. Jeff and I are constantly trouble-shooting. What more should we be doing? What do we need to change? How can we keep the rest of the family afloat as we handle all of Jack’s pressing needs?
And I have just felt like crap on a stick. What is the point? It isn’t going to get easier. It is going to get harder. And it’s already pretty hard.
All of this makes my head hurt. It’s a boulder sitting square on my shoulders and neck. It also feels like some fat, furry marsupial is sitting on my head and wrapping it’s big gross tail around my face.
I don’t like writing when things are like this. It feels like complaining, when it’s actually just the truth, unvarnished.
I could talk about all the things that I would like to be different. I could talk about all the things that we can’t do because all our energy is focused on surviving. I could make a big list of broken household things. I could outline all the ways Jack has been literally beating up his family members.
But I don’t want to. I’m weary and I’m in a low place. My faith is in a holding pattern. I’m not getting any major epiphanies. I feel that God is helping me function, despite the sadness, so that’s appreciated. I’m in the trough of the wave, though, and my experience tells me I could be here for some time.