Month: May 2017

Faith is a Force You Can Wield

Living with fear is the worst way to live, but it seems to be our default human state. Behold, my current fears: *Now that Jack is in residential care, my family won’t be special anymore. We won’t retain the lessons we have learned through him. We might become worldly, prideful, un-discerning. *Jack will be unhappy in his new home. He…

Vacation Mode

I watched “The Notebook” today as I am in vacation-without-kids mode. I’ve never seen it before, and it seems to be this movie that people reference all the time as a quintessential romance film, so I felt it was time. What I found is that it’s just another Nicholas Sparks story, with a fairly high level of sap, predictability, and all…

How and Why

A few people have asked me how we made the decision to move forward with residential care for Jack. I guess it all seems kind of obvious to me (see: this whole blog for the last five and a half years), although maybe to people who aren’t living it, the tipping point isn’t obvious. We always knew Jack would one…

Calm Reassurance

Jack has had a hard couple of days. Or rather, the staff has had a hard time knowing what to do to help Jack. This is something I expected. He is pushing to see where the boundaries lie. He is also making his needs known. Jack needs constant input. This is one of the primary reasons we could not effectively…

Adrift

I am adrift. This description is figurative, but super accurate. I don’t know what to do with myself. The obvious answer is, take care of my other children. And myself, I guess. And go serve people, I KNOW. I’ll get there. But if you look past the obvious to my unmoored self, you’ll find that I don’t know what to…

Pain and Joy are Opposites

I have not wanted to write, because if I write, I have to feel. I am only now beginning to wake in the morning without feeling like I will die when I remember that Jack isn’t here in our home anymore. I can go periods of time without crying wherever I happen to be—in the car, in public, while looking…

X. Bandaging the Weeping Emotional Sores

Despite the absolute rightness I felt as we learned about Jack’s temporary placement, the doubts have begun to creep in. I feel like this is how the craptastic Father of Lies retaliates to undeniable, peaceful spiritual promptings. It’s like his only weapon is doubt, so he obnoxiously overuses it. I feel extreme sadness counting down the last days when all…

IX. The Hardest Day

Today is Thursday. On Tuesday, Jack’s group home placement fell through, just days before he was set to move in. We acted to secure the backup placement, immediately. This morning, that option also fell through. I have remained calm, not because I am amazing at suppressing anxiety, but because I am inexplicably steeped in calm. I remembered the feeling of…

VIII. Beach and Boat

Today is Wednesday. Tomorrow we meet with the residential care coordinator for Jack’s group home. He could be placed as early as this weekend. It’s all moving so quickly and yet, I’m struggling through each day. Jack is still waking up at five AM. He is still a full-time job (for two people) during all the hours that he isn’t…