IX. The Hardest Day

Today is Thursday. On Tuesday, Jack’s group home placement fell through, just days before he was set to move in. We acted to secure the backup placement, immediately. This morning, that option also fell through.

I have remained calm, not because I am amazing at suppressing anxiety, but because I am inexplicably steeped in calm. I remembered the feeling of peace in the temple when I thought about Jack’s care. I remembered my dreams. I have felt, through this process, that God really wants the best for Jack and He is letting me know this.

This afternoon we secured a temporary placement for Jack. It is almost two hours from where we live.

Though the outcome isn’t what I hoped for, I accept that it is what we have been led to. We followed our instincts when pursuing the two previous options. Despite our efforts, they didn’t work out. Because I know that God loves Jack, He must have led us to this point because somehow it will be better.

Jack will spend the summer far away. As changes happen in other group homes near us, he will move closer. I have shifted from feeling sad for myself to feeling sad for Jack. There is no way for me to explain this move to him. How will I help him understand, so he doesn’t feel banished?

He played in the backyard tonight with his little train car, making happy sounds in the shade on the lawn. He doesn’t know that he will live in this home for just five more days, I thought miserably. This is the only home he remembers. He has never been away from his family in a new setting. He is nonverbal and intellectually disabled. He is much like a giant toddler. Driving and leaving him in an unknown house? It’s torture.

I’ve had a lot of hard parenting days, but this may be my hardest.

Jack’s too.

I love him so much and I want him to be safe and loved and happy. This is the subject of all my prayers (also, please help me know what I should do for Jack).

I don’t have the long view, so I’m leaning on the Savior. He knows us and how to help us. It’s really true—the worst things take us to the point of acknowledging our complete dependence on Jesus.



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