Today was a better day. I think it might be because I have put all of my troubles on the figurative altar.
Jack’s chronic tonsillitis.
The hiccups with Jack’s placement.
The impending judgment of people when they hear of our decision.
My anguish at facing life without one of my young sons here in my home.
The transition from life in crisis to now what?
My remorse for the painful details of mortality in their dedicated imperfection.
All of these things have been weighing me down.
Today I tried giving it to the Savior, which is what He tells us he wants us to do.
Why don’t I automatically do this? Why do I hold on to my worst pain and then wish it wouldn’t hurt so much?
I think it’s because of the my will/His will thing. Humans are self-centered. We want things our way and we want them that way now. By “we,” I mean “I. It’s the natural woman/man. We (I) have a will and we (I) have opinions.
But truly, today has been so, so much better. It helped that it was clear and sunny and warm. But it wasn’t just the weather.
There have been even more issues cropping up with Jack, as well as my own fluctuating emotional state. I engaged with this miasma by envisioning myself piling all of it onto the altar (an altar; any old stylized altar. There is no actual altar at my house, people).
Here it is, Lord. Do what You will. I will accept it. I am completely dependent on You. I trust you, and please, take all of it. Help me manage ALL OF IT.
We are in a state of limbo. We are blind to the outcome of how all of this (our entire lives, really) will play out. We just don’t know.
But even in uncertainty, even in grief, I feel myself being sustained.
It’s counter-intuitive that we give Jesus our problems, and He gives us strength. And healing and forgiveness. I will never cease to be blown away by this—the economy of heaven. It makes absolutely no sense here on earth.
Hand over your heavy weights. Offer up your aching heart. Your life may not change, but you will change because of Jesus.
He will whisper peace that will cut through and subdue all of the chaos. Give Him your despair and He will take it and give you hope. And help. This is actually happening to me, so please know that I am not speaking in abstractions.
Oh, and He loves you. Perfectly. Deeply. So leave your weighted blanket of sadness with Him. He will wrap you instead with encompassing love.
I don’t understand it. It’s a powerful and beautiful force, grace.