Month: June 2017

Tiny Letters, To and About San Francisco

Dear My Brain, You used to be a clenched fist. Now you are a sieve. Everything flows. I’m letting it all wash over and through me.   Dear My Sister Sarah, Thank you for living in San Francisco, and for bringing me there to visit. The ocean and a change of scenery is a dose of real magic. So are…

It Will Work Out

On a whim, I went to see Jack this week. I don’t know what I was expecting. I won’t lie. It kind of sucked. The little boys whined on the long drive there. They were bored. It was too far away, et cetera. When we arrived, Jack ran out to the car and hopped in. I told the assistant house…

Writing About the Elephant

We have concluded our annual vacation to Yellowstone National Park. It rained, a lot, which made for stunning, moody landscapes. It was cold, green, and lovely. And now I am exhausted. I hardly have enough energy to drag myself around the house daily what with this grief that’s strapped to my back/heart/feet. But Yellowstone is a busy trip, full of…

New Life

My current life feels like an easier replica of my former life as Jack’s caregiver. The setting is the same. The rest of my family is the same. The people around us are the same (minus the rotating army of respite helpers, therapists, doctors, and teachers). But now I do 90% less work and my stress and anxiety has sunk…

Postcard From Jack

I saw Jack today for the first time in three weeks. Jeff goes to Jack’s new town roughly once a month for work, and planned to stop in and see Jack while he was there. When he arrived, he could hear Jack, the house manager, and Jack’s housemate in the backyard. “I couldn’t see what they were doing,” he said,…

Jack Lives in a Small Town

Jeff and I went into Jack’s residential placement with the idea that his current group home would be temporary. We couldn’t stomach the thought of moving him so far away from us. As we began the process of placing him, however, we began to see the distance differently. All the things that felt wrong to us about his current town now…

God Loves Jack

My conversation with Pattie has carried me through the last few days. It makes all the difference to me to hear from the people who are with Jack. They are doing a good job of taking care of him. They are doing a better job of it than I did, because there are more of them, and Jack is their…

Some Days are a Smudge

I had a conversation with the residential director in Jack’s area yesterday. It was 8 and a half minutes that soothed my worries. She told me stories of Jack’s day, involving car rides and vacuums and being content. This is what I needed to hear. Jack is doing Jack things. He is being himself, and they are being good to…

Good and Sad

I went to the gym today, which was some sort of a victory. I haven’t been in a few weeks. Grief sucks energy, yo. Now I’m doing laundry, and I’m feeling accomplished, because it’s a thing I can say I did today. And I made a real dinner the other night, so feel free to congratulate me. Jack is trying…