Nothing to See Here

You guys, I just don’t have anything to say.

I don’t know what to write about. I am pretty disconnected from Jack’s day to day life. There are other, comparatively minor autism-related issues with my other boys. But they feel SO VERY SMALL and, frankly, super easy compared to the challenges we faced caring for Jack.

There’s grief, which I’m tired of talking about.

I don’t want to list my every daily trouble.

I’m not the kind of writer/blogger who creates a beautiful lifestyle/persona/aura thing which people enjoy consuming because it’s so stylish and gorgeous.

I have a cold and I haven’t washed my hair in four days. I’m not sleeping well. The transition back to school has wearied me more than it should have, but whatever. It’s grief and I can’t hurry it along or ask it to leave.

It’s real and it just IS.

This was a basic sort of day, involving a morning nap because I felt awful, coaxing my kindergartener to eat lunch and go to his second day of school (“I think I’ll have a day off,” he announced mid-morning #eyeroll), driving to Costco because we were out of everything, and prepping my lessons for class tomorrow.

It was the sort of day where I could not even when my little boys started fighting. Laundry feels like way too much work. Reading the book I got at the library is the one thing that really sounds reasonable.

I did order and ship Jack a coat. And I handled miscellaneous other Jack-related correspondence.

I just don’t have anything inspirational to say. I don’t have the capacity to engage in social things. Yesterday I felt pretty good about Jack’s new life. Today, I know he’s in the right place, but I don’t like being so separate from him.

I feel like my mothering relating to Jack now is a sham.

 

  4 comments for “Nothing to See Here

  1. August 31, 2017 at 9:30 pm

    Blame the dog days of summer. Technically (by the stars), we’re passed them, but the heat and feel of it lingers… thus: lethargy and indolence.

  2. Jess
    August 31, 2017 at 10:02 pm

    I am so much more drawn to your blog than the “stylish and gorgeous” ones you speak of. Yours is real and honest and relatable. And I am grateful I’m not the only one struggling with the never-ending clothes-washing! Thank you always for sharing.

  3. Barb
    September 2, 2017 at 11:01 pm

    You are a fierce tiger mom to Jack and all your kids, and never, ever a sham. Those little lies that the adversary sneaks into our brains when we are vulnerable are trying to get me, too.

  4. Julie M
    September 4, 2017 at 9:50 pm

    Stylish, gorgeous blogs are for the birds. I am completely satisfied with what you write and I don’t even mind the long pauses between posts. I get that.

    But if you ever wanted to blog about something new and different, I would love it if you could teach us to write. I know it’s supposed to be therapeutic but I have a hard time doing it. I could use some tips.

    Hugs.

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