Nothing to See Here

You guys, I just don’t have anything to say.

I don’t know what to write about. I am pretty disconnected from Jack’s day to day life. There are other, comparatively minor autism-related issues with my other boys. But they feel SO VERY SMALL and, frankly, super easy compared to the challenges we faced caring for Jack.

There’s grief, which I’m tired of talking about.

I don’t want to list my every daily trouble.

I’m not the kind of writer/blogger who creates a beautiful lifestyle/persona/aura thing which people enjoy consuming because it’s so stylish and gorgeous.

I have a cold and I haven’t washed my hair in four days. I’m not sleeping well. The transition back to school has wearied me more than it should have, but whatever. It’s grief and I can’t hurry it along or ask it to leave.

It’s real and it just IS.

This was a basic sort of day, involving a morning nap because I felt awful, coaxing my kindergartener to eat lunch and go to his second day of school (“I think I’ll have a day off,” he announced mid-morning #eyeroll), driving to Costco because we were out of everything, and prepping my lessons for class tomorrow.

It was the sort of day where I could not even when my little boys started fighting. Laundry feels like way too much work. Reading the book I got at the library is the one thing that really sounds reasonable.

I did order and ship Jack a coat. And I handled miscellaneous other Jack-related correspondence.

I just don’t have anything inspirational to say. I don’t have the capacity to engage in social things. Yesterday I felt pretty good about Jack’s new life. Today, I know he’s in the right place, but I don’t like being so separate from him.

I feel like my mothering relating to Jack now is a sham.

 

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