Radio Silence

Dear Reader,

I just can’t post much here, currently.

It’s a struggle, which you already know if you’ve been following the sporadic posts of late.

I’m still living and thinking and hearing all the news from Jack’s world. But my thought processes are not very uplifting at this point in time. Things are hard and emotional, for no particular reason. Just all the million ongoing reasons.

I posted on Instagram last night about being exhausted and LOATHING (the actual word I used) special-needs parenting. Then I took it down early the next morning because it seemed too drastically honest and *not positive.*

If I have a “brand,” it’s probably something like “Whoa! Check out this bonkers life defined entirely by special-needs parenting. Also, trust Jesus.” And if indeed that is my brand, I don’t know how to move forward in it.

I still trust Jesus. I’m still parenting kids with special-needs. But I am in a dark place, hedged up by weariness, emotional fatigue, PTSD, my kids’ neuroses, and Jack’s omnipresent behavior issues (which are at a distance now, but are still just as real, pressing, and consequence-filled).

I lie awake for an hour or more every morning around 3:00 am. It’s as though this is the only time in a 24 hour period when I am still enough for all my worries to sneak up and catch me unawares. And my hip and glutes hurt from all the physical therapy I’m doing in an effort to stop my back from hurting. I guess you could say I’m consumed by emotional and physical pain in my early-morning mind-churning sessions.

I’m filled with rage at the ongoing battles between me and kids whose autism-born rigidity is controlling my life. I’m frustrated at the messes and the belligerence and the executive functioning deficits which result in every jacket, coat, scooter, backpack, toy, and pair of shoes being lost. Always.

I’m tired of being the recipient of all of my children’s angst when things in their lives don’t match their inner expectations.

Maybe this makes me selfish. I don’t feel inspired or filled with wisdom from these experiences.

I feel weighed down, gray, flat, and irritable.

And this, Reader, is why I’m not saying much here.

Cheers, friends,

Megan

  6 comments for “Radio Silence

  1. Tammy
    March 1, 2018 at 2:08 am

    Megan, You know your honesty about special needs parenting has been a life saver for me. I read your instagram post that talked about loathing special needs parenting and I thought “Oh thank God…. someone else understands”.
    Someone understands that sometimes the loneliness and frustration of this special needs life can weigh you down.Its an elephant sitting on you.Alone and cut off from everyone else. Someone understands the frustration Its hearing about girls night out that you can’t attend… or church meeting where you send you send your husband and part of your family off with a wave and cry silently while trying to keep your Special needs child from a melt down. Someone understands the heart wrenching loneliness where you crave contact with anyone during the long days.Someone understands the pain of seeing other children reach milestones your child never will.
    Megan, please know that while you are battling with the feelings of being “weighed down, gray, flat, and irritable”… I’m right beside you feeling the same way. I don’t know about you but knowing someone else is experiencing this kind of life along side of me …makes it a bit easier to bear.I don’t feel so alone. Praying for you tonight…may God grant you peace.
    ~Tammy

  2. Susan
    March 1, 2018 at 6:28 am

    You do whatever you need to do to take care of you, your needs, and your family first. Remember, the best you can do is all you can do, and the best you can do is enough. Taking care you and your family is first and that’s the way it should be.

  3. allysha
    March 1, 2018 at 9:36 am

    That sounds exhausting, and it sucks and I’m sorry. Don’t feel bad for sharing the hard stuff. And yes, Trust Jesus.

  4. Heather
    March 1, 2018 at 2:10 pm

    From one mom to another (and you don’t know me but I feel drawn to you and your writing), sending a big hug. Life is just so incredibly tough sometimes—more often than seems fair. I can’t give much wisdom but I can send a hug!

  5. March 2, 2018 at 10:34 am

    Sending so much love and a giant hug. And a note to say, “I’m up at 3:00 am most nights too, feeling the stillness get swallowed in heaviness and worry and annoyance and sometimes grief. So feel free to text rant to me anytime.” I love you.

  6. hkgrobinson
    March 2, 2018 at 10:55 am

    You don’t owe us any explanations. Take care of you and yours. You are doing better than you think. You are doing amazing work. Feeling rage or frustration is totally normal and probably good. Angry women are getting all the stuff done in this world!

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