I’m still here, just not here, on this blog much, which you likely already noticed. I don’t have much to say, currently. This is how one loses blog readers, I am told. Reader, tell that to my psyche which is just quietly doing its thing and can’t be bothered to write stuff.
Dear Month of May,
You are rainy this year, and cold. You are full of doctor’s appointments and therapy appointments, and specialist appointments for my children. You are rolling forward like a freight train to the end of the school year. You are a beautiful month. You are ephemeral. You evaporate into the ether before I feel I can fully enjoy your beauty. Ah, May. You’re a slippery, lovely thing.
Dear Giant Church Doctrine/History Books I am Currently Reading,
What is it with you guys and your old-paper-smelling ways that sucks me in? Why haven’t I cared about you before? Did you always intend to just sit there fallow on the shelf until I had another intense spiritual journey, and then you felt you’d make your move? Also why am I treating ye olde inanimate objects like sentient beings? I’m currently reading three of you bad boys right now, for a combined total of like 1800 pages with copious end notes. And dang it all, Giant Church Books, I’m enjoying you. Does this mean I’m boring?
Dear Early Church History,
You are really a lot to take in, you know? I’m inspired, but also aghast at so much of the difficulty that transpired during your watch. And I just ordered Laurel Thatcher Ulrich’s newest book today, so I’m clearly not ready to be done with you. And no offense, Early Church History, but I am really glad I did not live when you were roaming the earth. I’ve always felt I would’ve made an awful pioneer, what with my love of indoor plumbing and hair product and automobile travel and NOT being attacked by mobs. Blessed, honored pioneer, indeed.
My back is once again telling me I need to let you go. But I love you, soda. And I would like to ask the universe if I am not allowed to have ONE vice. Am I? Allowed one vice? (The universe is telling me “sure, but your back will hurt, so yeah”). So, dear crisp nectar, I’m not giving up on you. I’m just backing away slowly, a bit.
Dear My Sons,
We’ve had the talk about summer, and the routine, and the expectations. We will again have this talk, possibly on repeat. Let’s all stay calm and not fight, okeydoke?
I’ve never been dismissive of the wild ride you’ve taken me on. It took you some time to break down that entitled naivete I exhibited in the beginning, but we got to this place where I accept that you are this insane melodramatic rodeo clown entity in my life. And you aren’t languishing, dear dear dear difficult Parenting, even as the guys get bigger. I found that out yesterday as we found a new therapist for a certain kiddo who doesn’t want to go to therapy or be different or have autism. You are really something, Parenting. I’m not going to say what you are, but you really are SOMETHING.
Dear Freezing Cold & Wet May Weather,
I get that you do what you want, but I’m just going to come out and say it. You’re kind of a bummer.
I like that as you enter the more fully entrenched years of your forties, you are embracing it by being you and liking it. Exhibit A: your bangs. They’re cool because you think they’re cool, and you’re like, “look at me I’m fabulous bangs bangs bangs.” Exhibit B: You’re less tuned into the toxic messages of diet culture and consumer culture and the you’re-not-good-enough culture of capitalism. In this house, we do not vilify carbs or succumb to the insidious idea that we are defined by our possessions/looks/hobbies/travel. Come to my house, we happy here. Exhibit C: Your politics, which we won’t talk about here, but which have evolved and which are the result of more critical analysis and thought than before. Good job, you.
Dear Thirty Minute Nap I Took Today,
I love you. You saw me and you gave me exactly what I needed.